


See me, Heal me, Love me

by Transdodds



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Internalized Transphobia, M/M, Trans Male Character, Trans Mike Dodds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-14 22:51:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14778785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Transdodds/pseuds/Transdodds
Summary: Mike has never been good at showing weakness or sharing his feelings, even when there is someone willing to listen





	See me, Heal me, Love me

Throwing himself into work to deal with everything going on in his head had become Mike's default setting at this point. The monotony of the paperwork, while mind-numbingly dull, did succeed somewhat in distracting him from the fact that everything inside of him was screaming that he was wrong, that he didn’t fit. It also came with the added bonus that if he worked hard enough there was always the chance he’d get a ‘good work, son’ and a firm handshake from his dad, the signs of affection that never really went far enough but that he needed like water anyway. 

A hand settling on his shoulder shook him out of his thoughts and despite everything else going on he couldn’t help but smile at the reminder that there was someone who he didn’t have to work himself to the core for in order to be told he was worth something to them.

“Hey, we’re all going out to celebrate, you coming?” Of course, Barba had got a conviction for their latest case which meant celebratory drinks with the squad. Normally he would have said yes, if only to make his boyfriend smile. Sonny had slowly been coaxing him to hang out with the squad more and while at first he’d been hesitant to go, over time the squad was more and more willing to look past his last name. He even knew that a drink with friends would do him good, that laughter and conversation would be as good of a distraction as the paper in front of him, if not better, and the sting behind his eyes and the slow dull ache starting in his shoulders reminded him of just how long he’d been hunched at his desk.

But despite all this he just shook his head and gestured slightly at the work in front of him. The desk was safe. The desk was known. The desk guaranteed that the voices in his head screaming that he’d never fit in, not even in his own skin, would quieten just a bit, just enough that he could try and ignore them and have a fighting chance at succeeding. The desk ensured he was away from mirrors, from anything that would give him the chance to nitpick everything about his appearance, to find the flaws that no one else could see. Still the way Sonny’s face fell just slightly before growing concerned made him want to change his mind, to agree to go for even just one drink.

“Hey, is everything okay?” 

“I’m fine” And he was, he could deal with this by himself, he would deal with this by himself. “Really, there’s no need to worry about me”

Sonny just stared at him for a while and Mike turned to go back to his work, pretending not to feel sonny’s bright blue gaze fixed on him with the same intensity he stared at crime scenes or his law textbooks.

“Okay, come on, up you get”

“Sonny, go have fun with the squad, really. I just have a lot of work I have to do”

“Mike, you and I both know that you can leave that stuff for tomorrow, come on I’m sure the sergeant won’t mind” Sonny replied, grinning slightly at the end, as if the joke Sonny had made hundreds of times now was still funny, which it was, or maybe endearing was a better word for it. “Come on, don’t make me drag you there, cause we both know I’ll succeed and then your big muscle man reputation will be damaged”

Mike couldn’t help the slight flinch he gave in reaction to the joke, which he knew was all it was, just a joke. Still that didn’t stop his shoulders tightening up before he forced them to relax, forced his fingers to drop the pen he was gripping so tight his knuckles had gone white, forced his face to remain neutral even as memories swirled up inside of him nauseating his stomach and filling his lungs with cold, sharp panic that made it hard to breathe. He tried to remind himself that Sonny didn’t mean anything by what he said, that this wasn’t the army or the academy where accusations of him being a girl would follow the second he was anything less than the strongest, the best. Just jeers, not accusations, he reminded himself, just jeers that didn’t mean anything but still cut his skin like knives, stripping away his walls and revealing himself to the world.

And now here he was, revealing himself without any help, in the middle of the squad room no less, where anyone could walk in and see the Sergeant losing it. He was meant to be better than this, he was meant to know by now how to keep it together, how to not be weak. God, he didn't even want to think about what his father would say if he walked in now and saw how much of an embarrassment he was being.

“Come on Mikey, I raised you to be better than this”

He could almost hear his father saying those words, how he’d stand close to Mike, close enough he could clap him on the back in a way that was probably meant to be supportive but to Mike the hand that would settle on his shoulder seemed too close to a claim of ownership. A reminder that he was Dodd’s son and would fulfil Dodd’s wishes to have a perfect son, and that he had a duty to follow the five year plan, even if whatever he did he could never seem to follow the plan well enough to truly impress his father.

“Mike, it’s alright, just breathe okay? You got nothing to apologise for” Sonny said, crouched down at eye-level, his voice slowly dragging Mike away from memories of musty living room sofas and overly elegant dining room tables. Mike hadn’t even realised he’d been repeating the phrase ‘I’m sorry” over and over until Sonny pointed it out. Whether he was apologising to his father for once against coming up short, for once against not being the perfect son he’d promised to be, or to Sonny for burdening him with all of this when he could be out having fun, he wasn’t really sure, though he supposed they both deserved his apologies.

“Okay, you ok to walk home? I can call us a taxi but I think the fresh air will do you good”

“Home? I thought the squad were all going out”

“Yeah, I decided I have better plans that involve you, me, hot chocolate and whatever movie you want. That sound good? And if you want you can tell me what’s going on in that head of yours, and I would like to know eventually, but also if you just want to not think about it tonight, that is ok”

* * *

 

Mike is lying sprawled across the sofa, his head in Sonny’s lap, as sonny gently runs his hands through his hair in a way that normally makes him melt and forget everything, good or bad. Tonight though it just adds to the guilt that is making it hard to focus on the explosions playing out on screen despite the fact that he was the one who had wanted to see this movie. He couldn’t help but think that he owed Sonny an explanation, after all he’d caused Sonny to stay at home when he could be out having fun with his friends, and made him deal with the mess he was in the squad room. It only seemed fair to give him an explanation as to why he was acting so pathetic.

“Uh, thank you for staying with me instead of going out with the rest of the squad” Mike started, shifting to sit up leaning next to Sonny. He wished that his voice hadn’t wavered slightly, that he hadn’t sounded so uncertain. Rationally he knew that Sonny was one of the few people he didn’t have to pretend around, someone who truly liked him as he was, but years of being drilled that he always had to be the best, that he always had to be strong didn’t fade easily.

“And for dealing with me in the squad room” Mike continued on, staring resolutely at the tv as he talked, even if his brain wasn’t comprehending the flashes of colour washing over him. “It’s just been a bad day with…” Mike trailed off again, weakly waving a hand over his torso before dropping it to his lap and resisting the urge to wipe his slightly clammy palm on his sweatpants. After years of dealing with it and having to discuss it with different people you’d think he’d be better at having conversations like this. Sonny still hadn’t interrupted him so he took a deep breath before trying again.

“With, with body stuff” Mike internally winced at his phrasing and apparent inability to just say the word ‘dysphoria’ before moving on “It’s normally fine, has been for years since... everything" There it was again, his inability to say simple words like surgery instead of awkwardly talking around the issue. "But some days everything I’ve done just doesn't matter. I still feel wrong or like everyone can see my flaws and that they're just humouring me because of who my dad is and that I'm never going to be accepted or right or- or-”

Mike broke off, scared his voice would crack if he continued and even more scared about how much he'd revealed, how much he'd placed on Sonny and that now how weak he was had been made clear Sonny would decide that really he deserved someone so much better than Mike and really Mike couldn't disagree.

Before Mike could follow that train of thought any further Sonny started to talk, with each word reminding Mike of exactly the sort of man he'd fallen for and reassuring him and Sonny wasn't going to leave him, at least not tonight, at least not over this.

“Look, I can't make those thoughts go away and I don't think I can convince you that no one thinks that about you, but hopefully I can make you see that to me you're more than just accepted or right, you're perfect and wonderful and smart and dedicated and extremely handsome and I would say funny but really I have the humour in this relationship- Ow!” Sonny said with a laugh as Mike playfully nudged him

“For someone who claims to have the humour in the relationship that really wasn't funny.”

“But you love me anyway”

“Always” Mike said, slowly settling back against Sonny as his boyfriend wrapped his arm around him, pulling him in close and softly kissing the top of his head.

“And you’ll tell me the next time something like this is bothering you, even if all you need is a hug, instead of trying to push me away”

“Always” Mike replied again, hoping he could keep the promise he’d just made to the greatest man he’d ever met.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing dorisi or SVU at all so any comments are greatly appreciated


End file.
